


For you I'll dance a thousand goodbyes

by Royalwriter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Mild Angst, Pre-Stream (Critical Role), Semi-Casual Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 09:44:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17281703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royalwriter/pseuds/Royalwriter
Summary: Vax spends his rare break from adventuring with Gilmore while the keep is built. They both spend their days dancing around the idea that he'll have to go, but all dances come to an end.





	For you I'll dance a thousand goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little bit of Vaxilmore angst because I love these boys

There’s a few months where Vox Machina stays idle as their keep is built. Surprisingly, the world stands still, too, during that time. No emergencies call them away, no empires fall in the time they’re gone. They get to rest, and spend the time as they see fit.

Vax spends much of his time with Gilmore, much to Gilmore’s delight. Gilmore’d grown used to flashes of Vax. Moments stolen in between his returning to adventuring, to his family. He thought that would be enough. It is, in a sense.

Sleeping and waking with Vax is something else entirely, though. There was an initial awkwardness of two people used to living on their own renegotiating the delicate dance of shared space. Learning to move without stepping on each others feet.

It takes a few weeks of Vax ducking back to his family before they master it. They’re quite good at it, once they do.

Vax gets up much earlier than Gilmore does. If he had to guess, it’s likely a byproduct of sleeping outside surrounded by constant danger often. Gilmore learns to roll back over and sleep in until he’s not cranky anymore. Vax learns how to appreciate the quiet that comes with the morning.

It works, and the rest of Vox Machina visits. Vax stays in the shop and distracts Gilmore while his sister haggles. Vax wakes Gilmore in the night when he needs him, and Gilmore holds him until they can both rest. Gilmore very nearly fools himself into believing they could live like this forever.

He pretends that it won’t end until one morning when he can’t pretend anymore. He needs to know. If only to appreciate how much time is left he needs a date.

Gilmore stops Vax in the kitchen that morning, taking both of Vax’s hands in his, looking him up and down with an approving hum.

“How much longer will I be graced with the presence of Vax’ildan?” he asks, claiming Vax’s attention from the distance of the window he’d been staring out of.

“Not much longer I’m afraid. The keep is set to be finished within the week, and Allura is coming to meet us. I’m willing to bet all the gold my sister is currently hoarding that she has something exciting and dangerous for us,” Vax replies.

Gilmore’s brow furrows, and he traces his thumbs over the back of Vax’s hands.

“How long will you be away this time?”

“You know I don’t know, it depends on the nature of the threat, and what else comes up while we’re dealing with it, Gilmore. I don’t have a way to predict that. You know shit always happens.”

It’s a thread of conversation they’ve run through a thousand times, a dance they know all the steps too. Still, Gilmore can’t help but hope that the ending will change this time.

“Well, you could always stay this time. Keep living with me, help me expand the empire of Gilmore’s Glorious Goods. We could throw your name on it too, even.”

“What, you’d have me stay here? Become your assistant, work in the shop every day?” Vax snorts at the end of his sentence.

“Not an assistant, no, a partner.” There’s weight to that word too, countless conversations behind that. “Or we could travel, we could go. Anything you want, as long as you’re here,”

“And who would protect the realm?” Vax takes his hands back gently and leans up to kiss Gilmore on the cheek. 

“There are countless others who could protect us, and give me far less gray hairs in the process.”

“You don’t have any gray hairs Gilmore. You’d never allow it.” Vax runs one hand through it. Gilmore hums when he does. He likes Vax’s hands in his hair. He wants them to stay there.

“It’s a metaphor, surely with all your schooling they taught you what a metaphor is,” Gilmore retorts, and Vax laughs.

“I don’t know, they weren’t particularly focused on my sister and I in schooling.” 

“Hm.”

“Who would protect my family as well, Gilmore? Keep them from stumbling blindly into traps, or embracing death with open arms?”

“They can take themselves without you, at least for a little bit. They wouldn’t die right away, you could convince them to stop.” Gilmore knows when he’s losing the fight, but he can’t seem to stop himself from trying.

He’s stumbled over this step of the dance countless times. He’ll do it countless more. No matter how nimble he is, Vox Machina will always take priority.

“They cannot, and if they were to die I could never forgive myself. Nor could I keep myself away. I crave the adventure just as much as they do, you know that.” Vax pulls fully away to pace the kitchen.

“Even with travel? We could see the whole world, with just a hair more safety than you go about it now, anything you wanted.”

“Gilmore, I’ve begun to dream of blood again. I wake up from dreams of my dagger in monster’s guts, with adrenaline pumping through my veins that has nowhere to go. I’m not built for a stagnant life, it’d tear me apart.”

“What of the day that you don’t come back? That you leave on some quest and no one ever hears of Vox Machina again?” Gilmore’s turned away from Vax’s pacing, now staring out the kitchen window himself. The rising sun is shooting the kitchen through with red.

“Then you’ll know that your aid helped us for longer. You know this is impermanent, you know that I wish it could be otherwise and it can’t be. Gilmore, I thought I’d made as much clear to you from the moment we began our relationship. I can’t change the way I exist for you, as much as I wish I could. It’s against my nature.” Vax has fallen still.

The stillness isn’t comforting. The stillness fails to hide the more turbulent emotions that have taken the focus that pacing requires.

“I know,” Gilmore sighs. “I know, and I understand, but I worry every moment you’re gone and I can’t help but wish it was different.”

For a moment Gilmore doesn’t move. He watches Vax rub at his temples from across the room. Gilmore wonders, if he stayed put, if Vax would change his mind. He knows better. He’s stayed put enough times to learn that lesson.

Gilmore crossed the room, closing the distance between them. He drapes his arms over Vax’s shoulders and holds him. Leaning into him, Vax drops his hands to look up.

“I’m sorry for spoiling such a lovely morning with such sour conversation. I will love you for as long as you are able to accept such love, I should not ask for more. It’s not fair,” Gilmore acquises.

“It’s alright. I will love you for as long as I am able,” Vax replies, turning to him.

They kiss in the sun rising in their kitchen, and for a moment they pretend that in the coming days a message won’t come for Vax. They find ways to spend the rest of the time, they cook despite being terrible chefs. And they dance.

They dance to good music with bad steps, they dance around that soon Gilmore will wake to a cold bed and no lover in his kitchen. They dance.

Gilmore stumbles more as the days go on, but Vax has always been nimble enough for the both of them.


End file.
